Nobody ever stood up for me before.
Yeah? Maybe if you weren't such a spaz all the time, I wouldn't have to.
All right, guys, inside corner of the bag.
Hey, guys...
...let's bring it in. Come on, to the dugout.
- Everybody to the dugout. - Buttermaker.
- Yeah. - Remember that time I played sick,
and mom went to work and then you busted me?
- And then... - You guys, sit down!
And then we went to Zuma and went bodysurfing?
- We should do that again. - Sit down.
- I got something to talk to you about. - Mr. Buttermaker.
- What?
I gotta leave early today. We're doing leather tanning in art club.
Okay. Oh, another class. Great. Okay.
All right, guys, listen up.
"To Coach Buttermaker from league headquarters.
Regarding player safety and league liability.
A reminder that according to Regulation 236,
all players must wear a comprehensive genital defense apparatus. "
Now, basically, what that translates to is that if any of you guys get hurt,
they're going to sue my ass so hard, they're going to garnish my turds.
So wear these things.
Pass them down, sweetie.
Also, you'll wanna write your names on them,
because that's how you get crabs.
And trust me, you don't want to spend your Sunday afternoon
picking through your pumpkin patch with a little comb.
Give me one. Gotta protect the family jewels.
Who you kidding? When is the last time you even saw them?
- Does that make any sense? - Yeah.
Do you speak Latin? I'm much better at Latin.
I don't need these.
- Really? - I'll take it.
All right.
He can throw all right, but you think he can hit?
- Let's find out. - Here.
Is that all you got?
Okay.
Got a smart-ass here. Burn it up.
Don't hold back.
Hey, what time you get off?
Engelberg, what kind of diet lets you eat seven hot dogs?
No buns.
I can have as many as I want, dipshit.
My dad says the only people who put ketchup on hot dogs...
...are mental patients...
...and Texans.
Chinese people count with beads.
Could you please remove your hand from my space?
I think it is clearly defined by the perimeter of my plate.
Hey, cut it out, poop-face!
Poop-face?
Are you kidding me?
Elmo flips better shit than you.
Well, perhaps you can help me to broaden my lexicon.
Perhaps.
She don't lie, she don't lie She don't lie
Cocaine
Hey, coach.
Out!
Three feet! He missed it by three feet!
Three feet! Three feet! Oh, you want to see spit?
Yeah! Oh, that's nice.
There's spit, okay? And what are you on? I want some.
Out!
One, two, three! Angels!
Safe!
Come on, get out of the way.
Damn it!
Let go of me!
Watch it, asshole.
I said watch it!
Let go of me!
Let me tell you something... Hey!
Put me down! Put me down!
Put me down! Damn it.
- Thank you. - God bless you, François.
Sorry I'm late, but I've been up to my ears in rat pellets all day.
That's okay.
Thank you for coming.
No sweat.
I got you something.
Infused vinegars.
Don't ask me where I find the time, but I made them myself.
Basil and tarragon,
red pepper and oregano.
Shiso
and rice vinegar.
It's...
...great on chicken.
Yeah, well, I got a spastic colon,
but I'll give it a shot.
Buttermaker, you deserve a celebration.
What you have done for Toby and those children,
it is nothing short of miraculous.
I mean, we are one game away from the championships.
It's...
...unbelievable. It's...
Congratulations. Thank you.
Well, the kids are great. They really are.
So, it's, you know, kind of their deal.
You know, I have to admit that
while growing up, I was never much for sports,
or the sports-type, really.
But since I've been watching you turn the team around,
I have been thinking a lot about you.
I have that effect on women.
- Really. - Yeah.
Well, I haven't paid for sex in years.
I think a lot of it has to do
with getting older and...
...you know, being more distinguished.
I was thinking more along the lines of the dangerous type.
What you hear about...
...the bad boy,
the sexy scumbag,
the serial killer who gets married in prison.
I have never felt like that.
Until I met you.
Well, thanks.
Mr. Buttermaker.
What do you say, Whitewood?
What are doing here?
Listen, kid. I...
There's something...
...that you need to do, and that's oil your mitt all the time.
So I came by to check and make sure you oil your mitt.
Really?
Oh, yeah, I'm always watching.
Okay, I'll go get it.
- Be right back. - Good deal.
Look at you.
Gorgeous.
- Gorgeous. - I don't know, it's a little...
Looking good.
- Hey. - What, you joined the circus?
- Tanner! - Where's the toilet?
I gotta pinch a mean one.
Engelberg! These are my friends!
It all right, sweetie. I got a little butterball just like him at home.
Down the hall and to the left, fatty.
What are you jerk-offs doing here?
The Giants beat the White Sox.
If we beat the Giants, we're in the championship.
- Really? - Yeah, we're celebrating.
So take off the hooker suit, let's go.
Come on.
I don't have to tell you who we play for the pennant
when we blow past these Giants today.
Right now, we're the hottest team in the league.
What does that mean for the Giants?
Bad news for the Giants!
- Here we go. One, two, three! - Break!
Hey, Kelly, hang on.
Listen, I want you to be like a vacuum cleaner out there today.
Anything even close to you, you suck it up.
These boys are weak. I don't want to blow it.
We're knocking on the door, understand? Come on, let's go!
All right, guys, let's go.
Way to go, Kelly! Way to go, buddy!
Way to hustle. Way to hustle.
Strike three!
I got it! I got it!
Hey, I told you I got it.
Yeah, sorry.
Way to go! Tanner.
Good job, buddy. Good job.
I ain't doing it no more.
Hey, hey, hey. Now's not the time to punk out, okay? Understand me?
You do what I told you, you hear me? Do what I told you.
You are not going to screw this up for me. Understand?
Understand?
Go get your bat. You're up.
Otherwise, why are you here?
Leading off for the Bears, Kelly Leak.
Strike one!
Come on, Kelly!
- Strike two! - He could have hit that.
Time! Time-out.
Time!
Kelly, come here.
Come here.
Come here. What, are you playing mind games with me now?
We're that close to the championship.
You got daddy issues or something? Hit the goddamn ball.
Now get in there. Come on.
Yeah!
It's a home run for Kelly Leak.
The Bears win 2-1.
The Bears advance to the finals this Saturday against the Yankees.
Way to go, Kelly! We're going to the championship!
See you there.
It's cold.
It's supposed to be cold. Just keep your arm in it.
Hey, Buttermaker, Mom's gonna be here tomorrow.
Perfect.
You know, I was thinking, maybe afterwards,
we can go to Tony Roma's for the Carolina Honeys, right?
Right.
Like I'm gonna take you little shits to a fancy place like Tony Roma's.
- Do you think I'm made out of money? - Fine. Just us, then.
Amanda, you really...
You got to quit trying to make me daddy, because...
I didn't say that.
Just friends.
You know, we can hang out.
We can go to Zuma.
Go bodysurfing.
Why are you talking about bodysurfing?
Remember when I played sick, and we went to Zuma?
Don't you remember?
No, I don't remember that.
I don't know what you're talking about.
But, you know, I was always drunk in those days, so I forgot a lot of shit.
Look, the fact of the matter is...
You don't have any business hanging out with me.
- I'm a damn loser, and you know it. - No, you're not. Not to me.
Come on, Amanda.
I'm a drunk.
You said it yourself.
I make a living killing rats to pay rent on a trailer.
In Sun Valley.
I'm a washout.
- Come on, Buttermaker... - Just stop it!
Don't you think if I wanted to play house with you,
I might have called you sometime in the last three years? But I didn't, did I?
- You know what..? - Just stop it!
You're here for one reason, and that reason is sitting in that ice right now.
Just leave it at that, will you?
I know why I'm here.
Just felt sorry for you, that's all.
I'm just saying, keep your glove oiled.
I mean, he came over to check mine.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Hey. - Don't talk to me.
I'm only here for them.
Toby.
- Yo, what the hell? - What?
- Something wrong? - You would know, dickweed.
- What did you say? - You heard me.
Hey, what's up with you guys?
- He's a ball-hog! - Yeah?
Well, that ball-hog won your last game.
So calm your ass down.
- Stay out of it, Engelberg! - Speak for yourself, shorty.
Taking sides, Slim-Fast?
You got a problem, Tanner?
No, you do. It's called me putting a foot up your ass.
Guys, come on!
- Break it up! - Hey!
Hey!
- Break it up! - Break it up!
Come on, come on, come on.
Get up, get up.
Get up!
Now, stand still and listen to me.
I said stop it. Okay?
Now, what the hell is going on?
He's a dick. He thinks he's better than us.
- Who? - Him.
He is. How do you think we got this far?
Wasn't your playing, that's for sure.
I don't need this crap, I'm out.
- Come here. - No, stop.
You stand still. Stop it! Stop it!
I said stop it!
Now, I told him to cover for you.
So if you're going to yell at somebody, you yell at me, okay?
- You did? - Yeah, I did.
You wanna win, right?
Isn't that what you guys wanna do, win?
Now, quit acting like a bunch of damn babies.
Because we got a chance.
Pick your gloves up.
We got a championship to win.
The entire season
and everything we've worked for comes down
to the next six innings that you play.
How you do, and the result of that effort,
is gonna have a big bearing
on how you feel about yourself in the next year.
You gonna go through the world seeing yourself as a winner...
...or a loser?
Because believe me, being a winner is just...
Is just... I don't know, is just better.
The way I see it, that trophy up there has got your name on it.
And those guys over there are trying to steal it from you.
- Whose trophy is it, Danny? - Ours, coach.
Whose name is on that trophy, Sanchez?
Yankees?
Take a good long look at your opponents.
Do they look like champions?
Not for me to say.
But no, they don't.
You're a great team,
it's been a great season, but it's not over yet.
Let's go finish it, huh? One, two, three!
Yankees!
All right, let's go, guys.
One, two, three!
Bears!
Hustle up, guys. Let's go get them.
B- E-A-R-S! Go, Bears! Go, Bears!
Go, Toby!
Now batting for the Yankees, number 10, Jimmy Wilkins.
Strike one!
All right! All right, Amanda!
Way to go, honey.
- Safe! - Way to go, Jimmy!.
Good hustle.
That's pretty good, guys. Did you see that? Damn near got him.
Way to get down the line.
If it wasn't for Kelly and that chick, you guys wouldn't even be here.
- Excuse me? - You heard me.
- None of you can play worth shit. - Oh, yeah?
Yeah. What are you going to do about it, Oreo?
Now batting, number 9, Joey Bullock.
There it is!
Let's go, let's go!
Take third! Take third!
Safe!
Amanda, your training bra's too tight!
Strike three!
We got one, we got two, pitch this one out! Easy out.
- Ball. - Go, go, go!
Safe!
You okay? Come on, get up.
Come on.
All right!
- You okay, sweetie? - Here's what I'm gonna do, cracker.
Hey, get back in the dugout. Hey!
- Break it up! - Break it up, guys. Come on!
See you, Mr. Shitty!
Damn right, loser!
- Get off him! - Get off of me!
- Get behind the plate. Come on. - Get back. Get back.
Back on the field!
- Get out there! - You guys are a bunch of punks.
Is this what you teach them?
You bowl over little girls like that? Is that what you do?
It's called baseball, or maybe you forgot.
Don't talk about fair play when your kids are throwing punches.
It's horseshit baseball, and you know it! So you watch them, okay?
You ought to take a good look at yourself, you has-been.
Traded it all in for booze and broads, you're disgusting.
- What did you say? - You can't hear me?
Say it again! Say it again!
Get back to your dugout, you crybaby!
Listen to you, crybaby.
- Get to your drug-out, you... - Buttermaker, dugout!
Sorry, chief. Sorry.
You want to play ball, Grape-Nuts? Let's play!
All right?
Piece of shit.
- Play ball! - Cream it, Whitewood!
Come on, Whitewood.
Come on, buddy. Get a piece of it.
Come on, Joe.
You're better than that, son.
- Good job, Toby. - Thanks.
I would've tagged you out,
but I was afraid your mom would've sued the ball.
Let's go, Abdul. Let's go, buddy.
Keep it going.
Ahmad... Is it Abdul or Ahmad?
- Ahmad. - Whatever it is.
Ahmad, let's keep it going, buddy! Way to go!
Joey!
Hey, that was your play! That was your play.
Get your ass over there. Pull your head out, son.
Hey, Garo, come here.
Listen, you hit lefty, so he's gonna pitch you in tight, all right?
So I want you to lean into it and take the hit.
I can't.
See, here's the thing. If you get on, we're loaded, and Kelly is up next.
- Now, come on. Let's do it. - I just want to hit the ball.
Well, sometimes it's better if the ball hits you.
It's called taking one for the team. Now, let's go. Come on, Garo!
Let's go, buddy!
Be alert, guys!
Now batting from the left side of the plate,
number 10, Garo Daragebrigadian.
Ball! Take your base.
That's the way, buddy! That's what I'm talking about, right there.
That's what I'm talking about. Way to take it, buddy.
Next batter for the Bears,
- number 5, Kelly Leak. - Come on, Kelly!
Kick some ass!
Hey, Buttocks!
- Watch this. - Yeah.
What are you guys doing?
- Strike two! - That's okay, Joey.
It's all right. Focus. Just relax. Relax!
Your old man help you pee too?
"Shake it a little more, Joey.
Don't want to get any stains on your underwear. "
Keep talking, fatty.
Whatever.
God!
See you later, Joey.
Have a nice time on the bench.
Now batting, number 3.
Go, baby! Go, baby! Go, baby!
Watch it, watch it. Go! Yes!
Yes! Yes!
Get out there! That's how you do it!
Hey, Buttermaker!
Time!
What the hell is wrong with you?
Why don't you just put a bow on it, huh?
It's my arm. It's killing me.
Don't wanna hear it. Want Toby in?
- No, I don't. - Yeah, you want to win?
- Yeah, I do. - Yeah?
- Yeah. - Then get it together.
Number 12, Mike Van Horn.
Safe!
Good hustle, Van Horn! Way to beat it out!
What in the hell are you doing? This is not T-ball!
You guys watching that? Let's go, let's go. Good job.
Jesus Christ.
Number 14, left fielder, Jeff Wong.
Fair ball!
Safe!
Wait. Whoa. Hey, hey, hey ump.
What are you talking about? He got it.
The throw was here on time. That was stupid!
What, are you Helen Keller?
He was under the tag, coach.
Butterballs, stay in your dugout!
Keep your eyes peeled, man. It's your job.
Stop embarrassing yourself, crybaby.
It's a good call, ump. Very good call.
Garo, that was perfect last time.
Do the same thing. Lean in, just get on base. Kelly's up next.
Why can't I just hit the ball like everyone else?
Because that's selfish. Think about the team.
I know it stings a little, but it'll be worth it. Come on.
Next up for the Bears...
- Let's go Garo! - ... Garo Daragebrigadian.
Let's go, buddy.
You got this guy, Joey!
- Out. - What in hell are you doing out there?
Get in here!
Ump, time! Time.
What the hell is the matter with you, kid?
What's the matter with all of you?
"My arm hurts. "
"Why can't I hit away like the other kids?"
Do you remember what it was like? The first game, they laughed at us.
Now we got their backs up against the wall,
they're scared of us, and you want to give up. Is that the deal?
I thought you wanted to win. I thought you wanted to be champions.
Well, do you?
Do you?!
Look...
You're up next, Kelly. Come on, let's go.
Let's play ball.
Now batting, number 5, Kelly Leak.
Go, Joey.
Catcher, Mike Engelberg.
Hi, Joey.
Kiss my ass.
Time.
Here comes daddy.
How you doing?
- Fine. - All right.
The way this guy is hitting, and the way you're pitching today,
I think maybe we ought to walk him.
Next batter's an easy out.
But I can take him.
I know you can.
- Come on, Dad. - Hey.
Do as you're told. Come on.
Let's get them. Let's go!
Hey, hey! What was that?
You tried to hit him.
- Did you try to hit him? - No, it just got away from me.
That's bullshit, Joey!
Don't you ever throw at a batter! Never ever throw at a batter!
You understand me? You never do that! Never do that.
Get up.
You could have hurt him.
- Shari... - You son of a bitch.
He could have hurt him. Don't overreact.
I'm taking him home. Now.
Are you kidding? It's the middle of the game.
He finishes the game. After that, you can take him wherever you want.
Don't do the arm cross.
Do not do the arm cross.
Hey, Engelberg...
Yes, go.
Engelberg! Engelberg! Engelberg!
Justin...
...you're on the mound.
Strike two!
Strike three!
Going into the sixth and final inning, Bears lead 5-4.
Okay, Jose, you and Tanner sit this one out.
- What? - What the hell?
Lupus, you go to second base.
Hooper go to right field. Prem... Where's Prem? Go to the left.
Are you sure?
- Yeah, I'm sure. - What?
- You heard me. Right field. - Are you crazy?
I can't go out there, I'm in a wheelchair.
- I thought you wanted to play baseball. - Hell, no.
Why the hell would I want to play baseball?
I'm a damn paraplegic.
So you just wanna sit here and get splinters in your ass all season?
Is that what you want?
If you won't play ball, why are you here?
Last time I checked, this is a baseball team.
And you're all on the team.
Every one of you.
So do what I said.
You guys go out there and play baseball, okay?
Whurlitzer, where are you going?
To finish the game.
- Not with that arm, honey. - What?
You go and put it on ice. Come on, sit down.
Toby, hit the mound.
- Really? - Yeah, hit the mound.
You'll be all right.
I know you're not good at listening to me,
but for a change, just sit here and enjoy the game with me, all right?
And try to forgive an old drunk for being an asshole.
All right, guys. Let's show the Yankees what bad news is all about.
Look at Hooper.
I bet it's just blowing their minds.
You pitched a great game, honey. Come here.
And Hooper, the kid in the wheelchair, he goes to right for Whitewood.
What does that do to your batting order?
Well, one goes to four, four goes to five, two goes to three,
three goes to two, six goes to one, and seven, eight, nine are cool.
I guess you know what you're doing.
Yeah, I do.
Batting practice.
All right, let's keep the rally going, guys. Come on.
Hey, Toby, you need to scoot up a little bit?
Batting for the Yankees, Danny Patello.
You're out!
Here we go, Ritchie! Keep it going.
You're out!
Yes, sir. Way to go, Kelly!
Good throw, buddy. Good throw.
Two out. We need one more out, guys. Come on.
One more out! Come on!
Next for the Yankees, Mike Van Horn.
Come on, kill it!
Did you see that? Unbelievable.
Way to go, Hooper!
The little crippled boy did it!
And at the bottom of the sixth, Yankees lead 8 to 5.
Pretty impressive, guys. Way to go, Lupus. Way to go, man.
That's a hero right there.
All right.
- Hooper! Come on, man. - Yeah, Hooper!
Get in here. Put that thing in fourth gear.
- Good going, man. - Great catch.
- Nice catch. - All right, Hooper.
Hey, guys, four more runs,
we win the game.
How about that?
Prem. Where's Prem? You're up, buddy.
I have to remind you, Mr. Buttermaker,
that my batting average is well below the norm.
And what's that?
Zero for a lifetime.
Well, you're due one, man.
So get out there.
- Really? - Absolutely, buddy.
- Let's go, guys. All right. - Buttermaker, come here.
Excellent.
This should be fun.
Listen, I'm a little busy right now.
What the hell are you doing? We had the lead,
and now you're putting wheelchairs in the outfield?
I mean, you're letting Toby pitch? What are you thinking?
You know, he's your son.
Yes, and he wants to win just like everyone else.
Really? How would you know what he wants?
When do you see him, between basket weaving and ballet?
You have some goddamn nerve.
Are you actually telling me how to raise my child?
No, I'm not telling you how to raise your child.
But maybe somebody should. I got a game to coach.
Leading off for the Bears, number 19, Prem Lahiri.
Let's go, Prem.
Let's go. Keep your eye on it.
I'll be damned. Way to go! Way to go, Prem. Way to go!
- Safe! - Did you see that?
Way to go, buddy! Way to go!
Now batting, number 4, Timmy Lupus.
- Strike one! - Come on, Lupus.
- Strike two! - Come on, Lupus!
If you want to hit the ball, you gotta swing the bat!
Look at that! Lupus hit the ball!
Run! Run!
- Run! Run! - Run!
- Run! Run! - Run! Run!
- Safe! - Lupus!
Lupus!
Lupus! Lupus!
All right, guys. Hey, Miguel. Miguel, you know what to do.
Next up, number 14, Miguel Agilar.
Let's go, guys!
You're out!
Dadgum it!
It's okay, Prem. It's all right, buddy. Way to hustle. Way to hustle.
Good hit, Miguel.
Lucky hit.
Sorry, Paco, no habla.
It means you're a bag of douche, shithead.
All right, Kelly, let's tie the game, buddy. Let's go. Come on.
Now batting number 5, Kelly Leak.
Let's go, buddy. Let's go. Let's go.
Collins.
Ball one!
Chicken!
Ball two!
Kelly.
Two outs. Come on, one more.
Hey, Garo. Garo, come here.
Hit the ball, buddy.
Come on, Garo!
- Number 10... - No pressure, guys!
- ... Garo Daragebrigadian. - Let's get that out!
Come on, Justin!
Right to him!
Strike one!
Come on, guys!
Justin!
Strike two!
One more, baby. One more!
Come on, Justin!
Come on!
Slide! Slide! Slide!
You're out!
We won!
It was a hell of a hit, son.
I'm proud of you, man. I'm really proud of you.
Hey, who wants a beer?
What are you doing?
We're celebrating.
- You deserve it. - Wait. Nonalcoholic.
- What's the damn point? - Just drink it, man.
There you go.
All right, guys...
I want you to listen up.
I wanna tell you something.
In all my years of being associated with baseball teams,
being around them, seeing them, whatever...
I gotta tell you, this is my favorite team.
I'm real proud of you guys.
You played your asses off against...
Well, pretty... Pretty big odds.
But...
Look at those little bastards over there.
Jesus Christ. Well, let's go get this shit over with, okay?
On a game like this, kids,
I just want you all to know that there's no losers,
and there's no winners.
I mean, technically, yeah.
But these things, they don't mean anything.
That's some good weight. Jimmy, you wanted to say a few words?
You guys had a good season.
You started off pretty lame,
but then you got better.
We just wanted you to know that you got our respect.
- Respect. - Right on.
And to the Bears...
...your second-place trophy.
Gee, thanks, mister.
Hey, let's bring it in and give them a cheer, huh?
Bring it in here.
- One, two, three! - Bears!
Hey, Yankees!
You can take your crappy trophies and shove them right up your asses.
Nice.
See you next year, bitches!
Way to go, guys!
Hooper, I told you I was gonna make you into a ballplayer, didn't I?
Good game, Buttermaker.
You too, sweetie. You too.
And by the way, I meant to tell you this. It was Redondo Beach.
- What? - When we went out to the beach,
surfing and all that stuff, it wasn't Zuma, it was Redondo Beach.
You wore that stupid yellow bathing suit.
You remember.
Of course I remember.
Next time, we'll go to Zuma. How's that?
Okay.
Great game. I'm proud of you.
Good game. Way to go, Lupus.
This is what's called a moral victory, Toby.
Now, it's not quite as good as the real thing,
but it's very nice.
Way to go, Garo. Good game, brother.
I told him we won.
Excellent. See what I'm talking about?